How To Know What You Want
a non-definitive guide, four months later
Back in February I wrote about having no clue about what I wanted for maybe the first time ever.
Recently it picked up a lot of new readers so I thought I’d update it as a lot has changed since then. The only authority I have for writing this is that at one point I didn’t know what I wanted, and now I really do. So I’ve simplified (as much as possible) what took me from my mild existential crisis to now in four months.
This is in no way an official guide. And who knows, in four more months I might have changed my mind completely. What worked for me might not suit you completely, but these are some basic points to consider that could help you move forward in your own knowing.
This post will be unlocked for the next few days.
Find your flow state
Despite sounding like a negative thing, losing track of time can be a strong indicator that you enjoyed something enough to not notice the confines of a regulating force. You’ll feel in flow when you’re doing what you like. Again and again I come back to this idea of liking what you like because it really is that fundamental. What we’ve come to know as passions reside here. And you may find there is one common denominator passion that covers a lot of ground. This will take some trial and error in combination with the points below.
For me, my most natural flow state is found in writing (duh). Whether that’s via substacks, stories, songs, poems at one point, lists, journal entries, even birthday cards, time exists the least when I’m putting my brain on a page.
No more people pleasing
A level of selfishness is required to get you to where you want to be. And I don’t mean that in the typically intended negative sense. Your flow state may even be rooted in helping others but you will still have to ask yourself questions before you know you want to dedicate time to other people. This first bit, at least, is about you. Get out of your own way and choose to stop worrying about how you will be perceived for making decisions for yourself. This might be a slow process, but it is worth the patience. And it doesn’t mean sacrificing your kindness and generosity by any means. Just make sure you’re also nice to yourself.
I have always been interested by the idea of a career. Potentially more than anything else. And it’s possible that mindset made me quite a selfish person pretty early on. I definitely heard the word a lot. Eventually, I learned to reframe it positively. I’ve never been much of a people pleaser, besides maybe a teacher’s pet at times, but I’ve watched people pleasing tendencies affect the health of those around me. Don’t let unsolicited sacrifice map your entire life. It’ll become resentment of your own making.
Ask your childhood
We hear and read a lot about the inner child and how much your childhood impacts the rest of your life. I’m not about to go into all of that. I want to keep this section pretty simple.
Just ask yourself what you loved doing as a kid. That’s kind of it. We all experience childhood differently. But when you weren’t blocked by learned rules and understandings of how to function in a society, what were you doing with all that free, job-less, bill-less time? Something in there will still connect to you now and you’ll feel it when you do it again.
I’m lucky enough to have quite a full album of childhood photos—shoutout to my parents—so I can see that I loved making things. I liked using my Konica Pop camera to take photos, whether or not they were good. I painted, I danced, I wrote story after story and filled diaries with silly recounts of walking to the corner shop. And while I don’t consider myself a painter, I still enjoy it. I still love to dance. I find mild flow state in planning and executing photoshoots with friends. I write every day in whatever form feels right. It would be almost irresponsible to not access those memories in search of an answer.
Your relationship with routine
How do you function? Are consistent, repeated routines helpful for you? Or do you like change and difference in every day? We’re not all the same that way. For example, I know my sister and I have very different ideas of the ideal work day and while I’m not specifically referring to jobs or anything you can or should monetise, this is not exactly a how to guide on figuring out what you want to buy either.
What you enjoy giving time to may require specific types of routines, in which you may already function the best without realising why. It’s all connected. Even if you disagree, my personal proof is very much found in my reality (and not your opinion). That’s why you have to ask yourself these questions to find your answers. Only you can know what you want. Unless you have a really good psychic.
Ambitious associations
People with ambition, goals, dreams, and open minds are your network here. If they also want to see you win and support you however possible, and you trust them, then consider yourself very lucky. They don’t have to be necessarily creative1, but if you feel especially drawn to pursuing your creativity, fellow creative people may possess a certain understanding that will truly see you and thus know how to help.
Something that noticeably changed for me over the last four months was my conversations with friends. I love a small talk gossip catch up any day of the week, but when I became more vulnerable with my friends about fearing a lack of direction in life, a lot shifted for the better. If your friends really know you, they can remind you of who you are when you need it the most. (And obviously, vice versa if you can feel that your friend needs that.)
I encouraged and requested more discussion of big ambition and the scary-exciting sense of purpose. Learning that those around me felt that weight too and chose to keep moving towards it was, of course, a relief but also motivation that has since transformed my own discipline regarding how I’m going to get what I want. Your community, your network, your relationships—whatever you prefer to call it—is key. They’re a great reminder that there is so much enjoyment to be found in the process that you’re all experiencing.
Some semblance of stability
You might’ve been reading this so far with interjections of realism that scream “ok but this amount of effort and time needs money to live!!!!!”. And I could not agree more. A dependant of this whole thing is whether you can actually afford to ask yourself these questions and slowly begin to take action. There is privilege in being able to. Even more so if you can figure it out and instantly take action with no worries of how your current reality will continue.
For some transparency, I have a 9-5 job that facilitates hybrid working, with a great boss. I get the job done and if something needs done quickly at the weekend, then yes I’ll do it. It’s a small company in which I have some say on how it functions as an employee. This is a privileged position that I am well aware of. And it means that I had stability in my life whilst my mind was in chaos from February to now.
Be realistic about what you can afford2 to do after asking yourself what you want. But don’t feel as though you can’t begin to ask yourself at all just because action might not take place straight away. Everything is constant work in progress process and that is the best part. Achieving a goal is more likely to have you thinking about the next one than standing on a podium accepting a medal waiting for an audience response to validate said achievements. Do it for you because you figured out what you want. And keep your rent and bills and debts covered knowing that it’s all part of working towards something bigger instead of writing off the job that keeps you afloat. I met most of my ambitious creative friends whilst working retail for a few years. It’s all connected.
Share the control
Last thing and then I’ll let you go. Find a “belief” of sorts that you can hand over the control and responsibility to. Figuring out what you want and then going after it is going to be a stressful process because it requires some diving into the unknown so you may find it beneficial to let something else, beyond yourself, have your back.
For reference, I did the Ikigai Venn diagram, re-did my Myers Briggs test and obviously got the same result. I read half of Atomic Habits, started Becoming Supernatural, journaled endlessly, revisited my favourite films, watched inspirational videos, learned about the law of attraction, the law of assumption, read my daily horoscopes, read my birth chart, read my family’s birth charts, and the list goes on. I’m not a religious person, though I respect that others are and can understand why. There is something about putting life in “hands” that aren’t yours or anyone else’s that can free you from some of the obstacle of worry.
Currently, I like to call it the universe because I experience a lot of synchronicities. And, personally, returning to aspects of my birth chart in depth has helped me understand things about myself that I knew but had hidden. You don’t have to do any of this, or agree with it, if you don’t want to but I’d be lying if I didn’t share how learning to trust something intangible has improved my mindset since February. I just have to accept that I probably sound absolutely batshit crazy to some of you right now and be okay with that.
I hope any of this helps if you needed it.
Thanks for reading and good luck.
See you soon.
I kind of believe that everyone is creative, it’s more about willingness or learning to actually welcome and access it because it can be a scary, unexplainable thing at first.
in both time and money