Table for One

an update that's not super light sorry, i'm just a thought daughter i can't help it

It’s been over a month. I was incredibly sad to a surprising degree. It was like meeting your oldest friend’s new boyfriend and getting the worst first impression but in this case the boyfriend is actually a first-time feeling. And though I was functioning fine and days were passing not completely void of productivity, any creative exertion was absent from my days. And then I went on holiday to spend a week in the sun and rethink every single thing about my life so far and what I could do differently in the days post-holiday. I want to write, but I’m not sure I have much to say that is light-reading enough. It’s definitely nothing that’s remotely kind of cool. And so I guess this is a placeholder or a check-in to let you know I’m here, thinking of writing. It’s the thought that counts after all, right? I’m grateful for the continued support and readers over the past 30 days while I’ve been away sitting in my own paddling pool of contemplation. It’s like I’m waiting for the pool to either expand around me, deflate or just let me sink but without me actually doing anything to make something different happen.

I did post a small camera roll run through on my instagram if you’re interested to know what I’ve been saving and visually drawn to over the past month. My Pinterest has been very active in that I’ve been endlessly creating (secret) boards. Visuals that are just for me feel like a comfort zone in any emotional state. Similarly, music has been at the forefront of my mind for the last two months (but also forever), which is something I’m keeping note of for when my creative spark bounces back. It’s as if the lighter fluid of my life needs topping up. The Kind of Cool tiktok has taken a bit of a backseat which no doubt means tiktok will hide my posts for lack of commitment if I return with new “content”, which is not particularly motivating me to continue posting. So, many apologies extended to those who want to see those posts. I will attempt to make a mini comeback to the platform because I do love the little world I’ve built over there.

I don’t know if it’s all part of this “frontal-cortex development” discourse that I hear about every 5 minutes but realisations are hitting me hard. (Is this my year of realising things?) I’m noticing that there have been constants that have stuck with me for a very long time that for some reason I’ve just avoided. Or not listened to enough. Or not taken as very clear signs of how I should be spending my time. And now I’m here, they’re very much in front of me screaming - probably on the verge of giving up on me - that this is it right here! Take a hint! Take hold of this for your future and don’t give up on it! So I’m post-holiday-sitting with these “developed” thoughts (and an office job that keeps me afloat I should point out) wondering what the hell comes next. Writing these sends will still be part of whatever I do next, creatively. They’re almost like documentation of my timeline outside of my actual diary. A positive digital footprint. My flatmate says I think more than anyone she knows. Co-star has informed me that my brain uses most of my energy. So I will sit at my table for one arranging my thoughts until the golden ideas seep through the cloudy melancholy of late.

Thanks for reading. I swear I’ll write about something more fun/lighter next and soon.

Lots of love :)